"Watch the terror unfold"

"The most preposterous example within the recent paradigm changes with the portuguese popular music is that of the new blend of pop music and popular music; you know, that new take on an old formula, a formula that has been refined to its core more for more than a hundred years ago. But, alas, these new so-called "musicians" are trying to come up with some fresh shit that hipsters and kids who a year ago were listening to linkin park and muse (some of them still do) seem to swallow by the buckets. Must be the dissemination of pot, one would think. Well, the most prominent example of this honest-to-god horrible fad is the singer Joao Berhan, with, I've been told, an ep in the works. Before I talk about the dreadful experience that was watching him at a small, decrepit concert house in Lisbon that goes by the name Crew Hassan (go figure), I urge everyone who knows this kid to tell him to a) fucking shave, and b) go to university or something, get a fucking degree and a life doing some other thing besides making ears bleed.

The dude just uses a guitar and is always smiling when he's singing, but in an irritant manner, as if someone is tickling is asshole. what to say? He embodies everything that is wrong with B Fachada or Samuel Uria, or that horrible fucking band that has this girl called codfish (yes. in portuguese). But he manages to take it to next level with some washed-up pop shit mixed with crispy, lo-fi vocals. Just do me a favor, if I don't return to Lisbon before his ep launch: mangle or assassinate him in the best and most painful way you may see fit. And tell him to fucking shave.

Watch the terror unfold."

Johan Styx is a freelancer journalist specialized in world music and with a chip on his shoulder. When he's not running the world looking for the new hottets bands in popular music he writes for the New York Times, Men's Health, and the Chicago Tribune. He lives in San Diego with his wife and two kids.